Settled With An Urge To Dive

Just when I'm finally starting to own this reinvented life I've recently made, the ocean beckons, prodding me to take a dive. I've been enjoying my sweet time walking on the shore, finding seashells, despite the occasional stormy weather. I don't know if I could muster the strength and gain the wisdom to rough it up in the deep waters again.

I need to make a decision about it soon, a stand upon which other aspects of my life hinge. I know too well that everything is connected to everything else. Hard as I try to compartmentalize, my very essence affects the whole universe I am in.

Yet, how do I decide?

Should I look for signs everywhere and let them speak to me? If this is the way to go, then the signs I see are egging me on to take the plunge.

Should I ask myself what do I want? Is this even a fair question, knowing that I have responsibilities to others? What do I owe my family? society? myself? I know I cannot please everybody, but if there was one that should be at the top of my hierarchy of values, who should it be? Going back to the question, what do I want? Balance in life, which I am already slowly learning to achieve. And then this, the possibility again of losing what I've worked hard for.

Should I listen to what well-meaning people may have to say? Or do I just trust my own voice?

What about things I cannot plan, cannot predict? Do I leave it all up to chance, to fate, to faith? And then hope that there is a divine something, someone looking after me and taking care of me.

I don't know. How will I know?

And when I finally make that decision, will it lead me to my happiness?

I don't know.

I'm feeling: an inner tug of war.
I'm listening to: KT Tunstall's Someday Soon.

Confounding compounds

I am dumbfounded by this song from Counting Crows. Utterly eloquent and, well, hits home bull's-eye.

Colorblind

I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am
Taffy-stuck and tongue-tied
Stutter-shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding
I am
Colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am.... fine
I am fine

I'm feeling: this song on repeat mode.
I'm listening to: myself say the song's last line.